The ruins of VMK

[FabTab]

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LOL! Im the Fashion NPC haha
'OMIGOSH! Meh shoes don't match my eyes!'
LOL
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[Gorams]

Chapter 5

As the figure pulled of their mask, he recgonized a familiar face. "HOST_Phinny!" He cried out in joy. "How did you get here?" They both asked at the same time. "I just logged in.." They both answered again. Just then, ThePisces walked in. "I think Yavn is on our trail!" he informed them. "Allrightt" fin replied "Call in the officers." Xoop, Vienna, Angel Fancy, and Aussie all walked in. "Oh, yes. The SVP means the 'save vmk people' O_o. You can see we're not very creative." Host_Phinny told him. "We're spies. We pretended to attack you to throw Yavn off." Vienna said "We hope he thought we were deleting you." "Yeah" ThePisces said "That isn't really a delete button. It's a friend button @_@" Host Hurricane was confused. Who were they spies for? Where are the other NPCs? "We just got a report that a new NPC was added. xoop said "Yavn must be up to something. We'll have to find that NPC and question her."

Tabitha was in a world of water. She couldn't tell up from down. Finally, she floated up. "Perfect. Now I have to buy a whole new wardrobe." She hurried off to find more clothes, when she saw, yet another flash of black. "Omigosh! Not again!" She quickly got into kung-fashion mode and sprinted towards the figure in black. "Hi-ya! Eat heels mista!" "Whoah, slow down!" The very shocked person replied. "Are you Tabitha? We checked our cameras and saw you were pushed in. Are you allright?" Tabitha scrolled over their name 'Aussie' it said. "Hey aussie. Yes, I'm alright. Could you please explain why I'm here and-AH! I gotta by a new dress this one is all wrinkled!" Aussie chased after her. "No!" He screamed. "Yavn has spies everywhere!" "Did you say Yavn?" she asked. "I got a job offer from a Yavin, not a yavn. Either this guy is faking another person, or we have a real tough problem to figure out." They ran back to join the others

HOST_Hurricane was on a mission to find out anything he could about Yavn's plans. He stepped into Times Square. He saw a guest, just sitting there on a bench. "How many times is this going to happen?" He asked himself with a confused look on his face. He walked over to the guest. "Hey guest... um, how did you get here?" The guest didn't move. It just stared off into space. "Guest54321!!" he asked again. The guest started screaming "Hey!! Can i have your ears? pls pls pls? huh? pls pls pls?" Hurricane was shocked. How did this guest get here?

Back at their base, AngelFancy was looking over the cameras set up in Yavn's base. She hadn't seen yavn around at all. How were they going to find anything out without yavn even being at the base they got veryverygood boy to set up cameras in? She checked the camera set up in Town Square. Hurricane was being chased around by a guest with a goofy hat trying to hit hurricane screaming "Pls Pls Pls!!"

Aussie let Tabitha get a break to buy a new dress. Big mistake. Just as she picked something out in the Emporium she felt a hand over her mouth and felt herself being pulled back..

To Be Continued...
Please no more requests to be in the story, just for now I wil announce again when I want more people to be in

[FabTab]

–

Yay! I like it so far! Kung-fashion mode.. haha. ♥

–

[Pisces]

@_@ Friend Button

[sorcererfirstar]

Uhm, i am very sorry, but from one storywriter to another, i have no idea what is happening in the story after the third chapter because of the poor navigation system, and i can never tell who is talking, also you sound like your writing this story very rushed, like veryverybadboy went from veryveryniceboy to veryverygoodboy. Please, take some more time before posting between chapters, for what sounds like a great story, is turning out to be very terribly written because your not spending enough time on each of the chapters.

Here is an example of what it could be:

Originally Posted by gorams

John was looking through his e-mails one day, when he found one from may 21st, 2008. "Wow! That was five years ago today!" he proclaimed. He opened it up. Ah, now he remembered! He had saved this e-mail from yavn to remember the good times of VMK. He decided to check out the website. 'Hmm' he thought. The log in button was still there! He decided to try to log in, for old times sake. He put in his information, HOST_Hurricane, and his password. To his complete surprise, he logged in! Hurricane walked down main street, trying to remember his memories, when he saw esmeralda strolling along. "Host Hurry!" She yelled. "how... wha... How did you get on?"
"I dont know!" Answered hurricane, very confused. "We've been hiding" Said Esmeralda. "Yavn just about gave up on finding us." All of a sudden, she disappeared. "This cant be good!" Hurricane yelled out loud. He decided to check out the matterhorn.
He saw a big clump of snow he decided he would sit on. "BUUBALAHOOBLAGAGA!" The 'snow' yelled. It was yeti! "Yeti I'm so glad to see you!" "Grummmfff" Hurricane noticed he was sitting on yeti's head. "Oops!" The embarresed host said, looking at his feet. "No problem Hurry. This is our hide-out. Have you seen esmeralda?" "Yeah I have! She just disappeared all of a sudden." Yeti looked more shocked than when hurricane sat on him. "Oh No! Yavn has been sending out workers to find hidden NPCs. We were supposed to be deleted five years ago! Guys, come here! It's HOST_Hurriane!" Gus, Erza, Phineas, the dragon, and everyone else, but two NPCs (besides esmeralda) came out. " Hey, hurricane!" Yelled gus. "It was yeti's idea to come here, he's the smart one here!" Hurricane looked up at yeti, he was chewing on his cell-phone. "uh.... Yeti?" Hurricane asked awkwardly. "Oh, sorry. They got the gator waitor too. We haven't had food forever. 53.43 minutes exactly! Just then someone came running through the door. "Put your hands up! You are all about to be deleted by the VMS!" (virtual magic squad)



To be continued...

Would look better like:

John was looking through his e-mails one day, when he found one from may 21st, 2008. "Wow! That was five years ago today!" he proclaimed. He opened it up. Ah, now he remembered! He had saved this e-mail from yavn to remember the good times on VMK. He decided to check out the website "hmm" he thought.
The log in button was still there! He decided to try to log in, for old times sake. He put in his information for his character HOST_Hurricane, and to his surprise he was standing there on main street.
Trying to remember what VMK was like, he saw esmeralda strolling
along.
"Host Hurry!" She yelled.
"how... wha... How did you get on?"
"I dont know!" Answered hurricane, very confused.
"We've been hiding" Said Esmeralda. "Yavn just about gave up on finding us." All of a sudden, she disappeared.
"This cant be good!" Hurricane yelled out loud.
He decided to check out the matterhorn.
He saw a big clump of snow he decided he would sit on. "BUUBALAHOOBLAGAGA!" The 'snow' yelled. It was yeti!
"Yeti I'm so glad to see you!" Shouted Hurricane.
"Grummmfff"
Hurricane noticed he was sitting on yeti's head.
"Oops!" The embarrrassed host said, looking at his feet.
"No problem Hurry. This is our hide-out. Have you seen esmeralda?" Asked Yeti.
"Yeah I have! She just disappeared all of a sudden." The Blonde-Headed host answered.
Yeti looked more shocked than when hurricane sat on him.
"Oh No! Yavn has been sending out workers to find hidden NPCs. We were supposed to be deleted five years ago! Guys, come here! It's HOST_Hurricane!" Explained The Yeti.
Gus, Ezra, Phineas, The Dragon, and everyone else, but two NPCs (besides esmeralda) came out.
"Hey, hurricane!" Yelled gus. "It was yeti's idea to come here, he's the smart one here!"
Hurricane looked up at yeti, he was chewing on his cell-phone.
"uh.... Yeti?" Hurricane asked awkwardly.
"Oh, sorry. They got the gator waitor too. We haven't had food forever." Said an upset Yeti.
Just then someone came running through the caves entrance.
"Put your hands up! You are all about to be deleted by the VMS!"

To Be Continued..




Hope this helps, just a little creative criticism.


~Sorcerer

[Vivi]

I'm a spy?! Sweetness! o! I heart spies! LOL keep up the awesomeness!

[.:Blue:.]

May I be in it????

[Cools]

CuteDeeBlue, he said no more requests.

Yeah, sometimes it's hard to tell who is speaking, but anybody with common sense could tell who is speaking!

Very great story!


~€00L$

P.S- Please use proper English. For example, capitalize May, places and their names.

[Gorams]

Originally Posted by sorcererfirstar

Uhm, i am very sorry, but from one storywriter to another, i have no idea what is happening in the story after the third chapter because of the poor navigation system, and i can never tell who is talking, also you sound like your writing this story very rushed, like veryverybadboy went from veryveryniceboy to veryverygoodboy. Please, take some more time before posting between chapters, for what sounds like a great story, is turning out to be very terribly written because your not spending enough time on each of the chapters.

Here is an example of what it could be:




Would look better like:

John was looking through his e-mails one day, when he found one from may 21st, 2008. "Wow! That was five years ago today!" he proclaimed. He opened it up. Ah, now he remembered! He had saved this e-mail from yavn to remember the good times on VMK. He decided to check out the website "hmm" he thought.
The log in button was still there! He decided to try to log in, for old times sake. He put in his information for his character HOST_Hurricane, and to his surprise he was standing there on main street.
Trying to remember what VMK was like, he saw esmeralda strolling
along.
"Host Hurry!" She yelled.
"how... wha... How did you get on?"
"I dont know!" Answered hurricane, very confused.
"We've been hiding" Said Esmeralda. "Yavn just about gave up on finding us." All of a sudden, she disappeared.
"This cant be good!" Hurricane yelled out loud.
He decided to check out the matterhorn.
He saw a big clump of snow he decided he would sit on. "BUUBALAHOOBLAGAGA!" The 'snow' yelled. It was yeti!
"Yeti I'm so glad to see you!" Shouted Hurricane.
"Grummmfff"
Hurricane noticed he was sitting on yeti's head.
"Oops!" The embarrrassed host said, looking at his feet.
"No problem Hurry. This is our hide-out. Have you seen esmeralda?" Asked Yeti.
"Yeah I have! She just disappeared all of a sudden." The Blonde-Headed host answered.
Yeti looked more shocked than when hurricane sat on him.
"Oh No! Yavn has been sending out workers to find hidden NPCs. We were supposed to be deleted five years ago! Guys, come here! It's HOST_Hurricane!" Explained The Yeti.
Gus, Ezra, Phineas, The Dragon, and everyone else, but two NPCs (besides esmeralda) came out.
"Hey, hurricane!" Yelled gus. "It was yeti's idea to come here, he's the smart one here!"
Hurricane looked up at yeti, he was chewing on his cell-phone.
"uh.... Yeti?" Hurricane asked awkwardly.
"Oh, sorry. They got the gator waitor too. We haven't had food forever." Said an upset Yeti.
Just then someone came running through the caves entrance.
"Put your hands up! You are all about to be deleted by the VMS!"

To Be Continued..




Hope this helps, just a little creative criticism.


~Sorcerer

sorry, i accidently changed his name to veryverygoodboy, I'll change it right away.

No offense, but you did hurt my feelings a lot
What did you expect from a kid?
Just wondering

I'm quitting the story. Just because other people like it doesn't mean it's good. So what? I made some mistakes.
I'm quitting my story because its so "Terrible". You really hurt my feelings
I'm very sorry I have to do this. I might bring it back. Only if someone can convince me.

This is probably the worst story ever anyways. I'll save you from the terrible story writing. I get enough of people putting me down anyways, I'll learn to deal with it.


Mods, please do not close this thread. I might bring back this story if i can think of a not-so-terrible way to write a story

Thanks sorcerer.. O_O

wow, I feel very stupid now. I shouldn't have even started this story. Sorry you all had to deal with it...

Don't expect to see any more stories by me. I'm obiously horrible, because my other two stories got one post or less.
This managed to ruin my day.

Your terrible story writer,
Gorams
PS: Sorry I sound so negative. I thought people actually liked this story..

[FabTab]

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He's just a kid. Nobody is perfect and has great grammar. He is a beginner and is doing VERY well. I understand it perfectly. If I can, you can also.

This story is great! Don't shut it down!

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[Gorams]

Originally Posted by CuteTabitha

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He's just a kid. Nobody is perfect and has great grammar. He is a beginner and is doing VERY well. I understand it perfectly. If I can, you can also.

This story is great! Don't shut it down!

–

Thank you for the kind words I may consider bringing it back, but I was very sad a few minutes ago. Besides, probably after the next chapter he'll just critisize it again.

[FabTab]

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No problem! Please do bring it back because its funny and good!

–

[Angel Fancy]

Hey, I have enjoyed the story. It got my title in print. Thank you for that. It was so awesome. Don't let ppl get you down. I think your story is very good. Just remember that all ppl don't think alike. It would be a very dull world if we did. Keep up the good work. Angel Fancy

[Pisces]

Don't give up on the story, it's great, I believe sorcererfirstar meant well, but used poor wording, like he said, the story itself isn't bad:

Originally Posted by sorcererfirstar

for what sounds like a great story

It's just that the way it's organized could use some work, editing IS a major part of writing a story, and remember that all good writers are not good editors, if they were, quite a few people would be out of work. Anyway, just take his post as constructive criticism and you can choose whether or not to take his advice, personally I think the story is as easy to understand and, although his advice is fairly useful, just not politely worded, hiring an editor is not at all necessary, it's your story and you can write whatever you want, as long as YOU enjoy writing it.

ALSO:Even though it's not really the mature thing to do , I would just laugh to myself about any mistakes he makes. After all,

Originally Posted by sorcererfirstar

Hope this helps, just a little constructive criticism

[tronboy]

Rams itrs me aussie dont close it he was just trying to help and you should just laugh it off and continue writing the best story on vmkf