post them here!

my favs:

"I am a nobody, and nobody's perfect. Therefore, i am perfect"

"It is not the great who are strong, it is the strong who are great!"

"only the strongest survive. That is the law of the jungle!"

"All your base are belong to us"

"One who knows nothing understands nothing"

and of course, all of Murphy's wonderful little laws on how typical life is...

"A man's true nature is defined by what he does when no one is looking."

"It is better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not."

"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."

The heart never speaks but you must listen to it to know.





By the way you must haved wacthed x-play to know the all your base are belong to us right.

no, i got aybabtu from zero wing


"work smarder not harder and check yor speeling"
-murphy's tech laws

I resent the limits of my own imagination
-- Walt Disney

"I don't flee from my insanity, I embrace it"

'If you know everything, and everything does not know you, then you do not really know everything'

just made that up..makes no sense but oh well :Tongue:

"an expert is someone that learns more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing"
-Murphy's Tech laws

"an expert is someone that learns more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing"
-Murphy's Tech lawsYou might be interested to know there is a joke that predates the so-called Murphy's Laws that is more inclusive than your quote (the earliest reference I've seen was 1923):

A Specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

A Generalist is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.

A couple of my favorites:

The mind seeks, but the heart finds.

Rivers grow crooked by following the line of least resistance. And so do people.

A fool throws a pebble in a well and a dozen wise men cannot recover it.

There is no place in this country for hyphenated Americans -- Theodore Roosevelt

You might be interested to know there is a joke that predates the so-called Murphy's Laws that is more inclusive than yours m(the earliest reference I've seen was 1923):

A Specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

A Generalist is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.

ZOMG murphy plagurized! lol jk

"I do not fear an army of lions being led by a sheep, but what I do fear, is an army of sheep being led by a lion"- alexander the great

Rivers grow crooked by following the line of least resistance. And so do people.Isn't that the truth? Great quote, thank you. I'll have to add that one to the list on my web site. Do you know who the quote was written by?

Rivers grow crooked by following the line of least resistance. And so do people.
Isn't that the truth? Great quote, thank you. I'll have to add that one to the list on my web site. Do you know who the quote was written by?Alas, it's one of those that's been passed down so long it's hard to tell. Some attribute it to author Napoleon Hill, others to Thomas Jefferson, but I seem to recall Jefferson used it in a letter to John Adams as a quote himself, meaning he got it from yet another source.

For all we know, it could be an ancient Greek proverb.

OMG how can i forget this one?:

"One can not make footprints in the sands of time if he stands still."

others:

"A raging fire soon becomes dying embers"
"Fire has no brothers. Fire consumes all"
"I suffer not from insanity! i enjoy every second of it"
"doom awaits the overconfident"
"For the end of the world spell, press CTRL+ALT+DELETE"
"Every man lives. Not every man TRULY dies"
"Sometimes you drink the milk, sometimes the milk drinks you"
"the closer you are to the light, the greater your shadow becomes"

and of course, some more of Murphy's laws:

"if at first you don't succseed, destroy all evidence that you tried"
-Murphy's buisiness laws

Those are really funny!!!!!
Here is one- If you expect the unexpected then it really isnt unexpected because you expected it and it is no longer unexpected. Enjoy!
:3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5: :3_4_5:

-Princezz

If you expect the unexpected then it really isnt unexpected because you expected it and it is no longer unexpected.That reminds me of one I see quoted quite a lot in workplaces I've infiltrated:

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing the same way and expecting a different result"--Albert Einstein

My reply to that is: Einstein never used Microsoft products.

LOL those are Realy goos although i have none of my own!

Here are mine.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Don't cry for someone who won't cry for you.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.That would be Odin.

"The buddy system is important, it gives them someone else to fire at"
-Murphy's military laws

Here are a few of my favorites...

"Some people will leave a mark on this world, others will leave a stain." -Unknown (at least by me)

"There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance" -Plato's Socrates

"Ignorance, the root and the stem of every evil." -Plato

"You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me." -Scott Adams

"Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made." -Benjamin Disraeli (Thanks GG)

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter." -Winston Churchill

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -Aristotle

"Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made." -Otto von BismarckActually, this was Benjamin Disraeli, PM of Great Britain. He said it to two law students who were disgusted at watching Parliment in action. Predates Bismark by at least 50 years.

"When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business." -Lenny Bruce

Actually, this was Benjamin Disraeli, PM of Great Britain. He said it to two law students who were disgusted at watching Parliment in action. Predates Bismark by at least 50 years.

Oops! My bad. :Embar:

While researching this however, I found another interesting quote by Disraeli that seems to speak to the very nature of this thread...

..."The wisdom of the wise and the experience of the ages are perpetuated by quotations."

"Live so that man will want your autograph and not your fingerprints."

One thing I live life by, To solve a problem, you must look on the level which it was created.-

"Never test the water with both feet."

"It takes an idiot to do something cool... that's why it's cool." -FLCL

"If you do things right, people won't be sure if you've done anything at all." -Futurama

"It takes two people to lie. One to tell the lie and one to listen." -Homer Simpson

"Courage without wisdom is foolishness." -Jackie Chan

And a personal favorite of mind...

"Without kindness, humanity has no purpose."

Murphy's Law of the Open Road:
"When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge. "

Murphy's Laws
"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious"
"You can not successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter" Corollary: "the chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet"

Complete list of Murphy's Technology Laws:

1. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
4. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
5. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
6. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
7. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
8. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
9. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
10. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
11. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
12. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13. All's well that ends.
14. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
15. The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
17. New systems generate new problems.
18. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
19. We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
20. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
21. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
22. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
23. The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
24. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
25. Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
26. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
27. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
28. After all is said and done, a **** of a lot more is said than done.
29. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
30. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
31. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
32. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
33. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
34. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it (censored) well pleases.
35. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
36. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
37. In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
38. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
39. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
40. The only perfect science is hind-sight.
41. Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
42. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
43. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
44. When all else fails, read the instructions.
45. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
46. Everything that goes up must come down.
47. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
48. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
49. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
50. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
51. Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

"The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity." -Harlan Ellison

"And remember, no matter where you go, there you are."

"If you were in a burning house and there was a cat and a Rembrandt, what would you save? The cat...you would save the cat, because the cat is alive. The art is dead. It's just paint on a canvas, ink on a page. To live for art is to deny life. It's just to destroy life" -Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider

"Make up your mind to act decidedly and take the consequences. No good is ever done in this world by hesitation." -Thomas H. Huxley

Sorry to revive a dead thread, but

THE COMPLETE LIST OF MURPHY'S LAWS (well, the G-rated one at least)

MURPHY'S LAWS
1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
2. Everything takes longer than you think.
3. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
4. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
5. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
6. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
7. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
8. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
10. Mother nature is a (censored).
11. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
12. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
13. Every solution breeds new problems.
Murphy's Law of Research
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Murphy's Law of Copiers
The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
Murphy's Law of the Open Road:
When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics
Things get worse under pressure.
The Murphy Philosophy
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws
Everything goes wrong all at once.
Murphy's Constant
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
Murphy's Corollaries
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Law of the Perversity of Nature (Mrs. Murphy's Corollary):
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Corollary (Jenning):
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Murphy's Military Laws
1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
3. Friendly fire ain't.
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
14. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Murphy's Technology Laws
1. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
4. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
5. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
6. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
7. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
8. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
9. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
10. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
11. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
12. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13. All's well that ends.
14. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
15. The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
17. New systems generate new problems.
18. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
19. We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
20. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
21. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
22. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
23. The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
24. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
25. Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
26. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
27. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
28. After all is said and done, a **** of a lot more is said than done.
29. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
30. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
31. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
32. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
33. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
34. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it (censored) well pleases.
35. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
36. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
37. In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
38. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
39. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
40. The only perfect science is hind-sight.
41. Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
42. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
43. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
44. When all else fails, read the instructions.
45. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
46. Everything that goes up must come down.
47. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
48. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
49. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
50. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
51. Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
Murphy's Love Laws
1. All the good ones are taken.
2. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)
3. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
4. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
5. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
6. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
7. The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
8. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
9. Nice guys(girls) finish last.
10. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
11. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
Murphy's commerce laws
· The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
· If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
· A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
· Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
· It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you say you're going to do.
· After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
· The more (censored) you put up with, the more (censored) you are going to get.
· You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
· Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
· Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
· When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
· If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a (censored) fool about it.
· There will always be **** cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
· The boss is always right.
· Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
· Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
· Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
· Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a ****tail hour.
· To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
· In case of an atomic bomb attack, work rules will be temporarily suspended.
· Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
· Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
· The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
· There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
· The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
· If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
· You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
· If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
· People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
· People are always available for work in the past tense.
· People don't make the same mistake twice, they make it three, four, or five times.
· If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
· At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
· When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
· You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
· No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
· Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
· Following the rules will not get the job done.
· When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?".
· No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
· The longer the title, the less important the job.
· Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
· Progress is only made on alternate Tuesdays.
· An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
· Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
· The employee who has performed his duties faithfully and without fault for 5 years will be given an increase of five cents per day in his pay - provided the profits allow it.
· All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
· Success is a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Murphy's teaching laws
· The clock in the instructor's room will be wrong.
· Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.
· A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.
· The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students.
· A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the speaker produces.
· Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed.
· The problem child will be a school board member's son.
· When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall.
· If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the instructor is late to the faculty meeting.
· New students come from schools that do not teach anything.
· Good students move away.
· When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher will say: "weirdo" rather than "emotionally disturbed".
· The school board will make a better pay offer before the teacher's union negotiates.
· The instructor's study hall be the largest in several years.
· The administration will view the study hall as the teacher's preparation time.
· Clocks will run more quickly during free time.
· On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent
· If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and will dislike art. If the instructor is a coach, the principal will be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state.
· Murphy's Law ill go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation.
· Weiner's Law of Libraries
There are no answers, only cross references.
· Laws of Class Scheduling
1. If the course you wanted most has room for "n" students, you will be the "n+1" to apply.
2. Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste maximum time between classes.
Corollary: When you are occasionally able to schedule two classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at opposite ends of the campus.
3. A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the semester following the desired course.
· Laws of Applied Terror
1. When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible.
2. The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want
3. Eighty percent of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.
4. The night before the English history midterm, your Biology instructor will assign two hundredpages on planarian.
Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
5. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take home exam, you will forget where you live.
6. At the end of the semester you will recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester--and never attending.
· First Law of Final Exams
Pocket calculator batteries that have lasted all semester will fail during the math final.
Corollary: If you bring extra batteries, they will be defective.
· Second Law of Final Exams
In your toughest final, the most distractingly attractive student in class will sit next to you for the first time.
Murphy's cops laws
· Bullet Proof vests aren't.
· The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.
· The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
· Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
· High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
· If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
· Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
· Flash suppressors don't really.
· If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
· If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
· Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
· If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News'.
· Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
· When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
· If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
· You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
· Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
· From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
· On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
· The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
· Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
· You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer."
· The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
· If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.
· The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you.

· Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch.

· Laser sights work both ways

· Cops arrive late to the scene of crime.

· The number of years on the job is directly proportional to your waist line.

Murphy's military police laws
· Your brassard and your badge won't stop bullets.
· If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
· Don't look conspicuous - it antagonizes officers.
· When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
· Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you.
· Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
· If your response goes well, you're at the wrong barracks.
· Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when you're doing something really stupid.
· The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call.
· The warrant you don't read is the one you'll serve at the wrong quarters.
· No matter how you write it, the Desk Sergeant will want it changed.
· If you charge in all alone, you'll be shot by your own officers.
· The diversion you're ignoring is the actual crime.
· The important things are always simple.
· The simple things are always hard.
· The easy ways are always blocked.
· The short cuts are always under construction by the post engineers.
· Anything you do can get you in trouble - including doing nothing.
· When you've secured a crime scene, don't forget to tell the brass.
· Using the siren and light to clear traffic - attracts traffic.
· It only becomes a riot right after you show up.
· If you take out the newest patrol car, you'll have an accident.
· No street-wise unit ever passed inspection.
· No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets.
· The thing you really need, will be left back at the MP Station.
· Radios will fail as soon as you need back-up desperately.
· Flashlight batteries always die out, just when you really need light.
· Military working dogs attack anything that moves - including you.
· The helicopter will always be low on fuel, as soon as you need it.
· You'll find the suspect you want, when you're off-duty and unarmed.
· If you respond to more than your fair share of calls, you'll have more than your fair share of calls to respond to.
· The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter.
· The dependent who screams loudly when you don't show up quickly, also screams loudly when you do.
· The weight of the dead body you'll have to carry is proportional to the amount of stairs you'll have to climb.
· Fatalities always occur at the end of shift - or when it rains and snows.
· Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
· Contrary to popular belief - general officers don't get tickets.
· You won't get called to a court martial - unless it's your day off.
· Take off your hat and the MP Duty Officer shows up.
· Empty guns - aren't.
· Your two minute "back-up" is always actually ten minutes away.
· The alley you sprint down, is the wrong alley.
· Tasting suspected drugs works - but only on TV or in the movies.
· Suspects always hide in the last place you look.
· Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.
· Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
· Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private.
· Don't stand, if you can sit - don't sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap.
Murphy's sewing laws
· Fusible interfacings always fuse to the iron
· The serge only eats the customer's garment
· If you need 6 buttons, you will find 5 in your button box
· The seam you meant to rip out is invariably the other one
· When you are in a hurry, the needle eye is always too small
· The fabric you forgot to pre-shrink will always shrink the most
· The pattern you wanted to make again will have one key piece missing
· If you drop something out of your sewing basket, it will be your box of pins, with the cover off
· Whenever the construction process is going well, the bobbin thread runs out
· The magnitude of the goof is in direct proportion to the cost of the fabric
· Your lost needle will be found by your son, husband or brother-in-law, while walking around barefoot
· Facings tend to be sewn to the wrong side (Opposite sides attract)
· Collar points don't match, and you've trimmed all the seams
· The iron never scorches the garment until its final pressing
· The steam iron only burps rusty water on light silk fabric
· The sewing machine light usually burns out on Sunday
· Pinking shears get dull just by looking at them
· Gathering threads always break in the middle
· The scissors cut easiest past the buttonhole
· Matching edges don't

· You will spill your pin box once per garment.

· As yee sew, so shall ye rip

Murphy's volunteer bushfire brigade laws
· Don't look conspicuous. When you’re dealing with the public it draws stupid questions. Back on Station it draws Crew Leaders
· There is always an easy way
· The easy way usually results in more damage done than less or is blocked by a large, ****ed off dog who hasn't eaten in a week
· When dealing with the public try to look unimportant, They may go and find someone else to ask that stupid question to
· Falling trees have the right of way
· Uniforms only come in two sizes, too small and too large
· If your Captain can see you then so can the public
· Never worry about the falling tree branch with your name on it. Instead, worry about the falling tree addressed, "To whom it may concern"
· If orders can be misunderstood, they have been
· It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps
· Crew Leaders, not GOD, make priorities. There’s a difference
· Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep
· Never tell the Captain or Deputy Captain you have nothing to do
· Crew leaders and above never watch until you make a mistake
· One Crew leader is never enough but two is entirely too many
· A clean and dry set of overalls is a magnet for mud and rain
· The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it
· The more an item of equipment costs, the farther you have to send it away to be repaired
· Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
· Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will and self - starters won’t
· The item of equipment that usually won’t start or jams when you need it the most is the pump
· You aren't Superman
· If it's stupid but it works, it ain't stupid
· The important things are always simple
· The simple things are always hard:
**** Math -> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases
· Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything
· The more stupid the leader is, the more important tasks he is ordered to carry out
· The self-importance of a Deputy Captain is inversely proportional to his actual importance in the chain of command
· Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Fire Control Officer is watching
· As soon as you are served hot food in the field, it rains
· If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution
· CHAOS = Chiefs have arrived on scene
· Captain on location with heavy panic showing
· Chiefs are like diapers, always on your (censored) and full of (censored)

Murphy's photography laws
· You are not Ansel Adams
· Neither are you Herb Ritz
· Automatic Cameras---Aren't
· Auto Focus---won't
· If you can't remember, you left the film at home
· No photo assignment remains unchanged after the first day of shooting
· When in doubt, motor out
· If a photo shoot goes too smoothly, then the lab will lose the film
· If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid
· Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Client is watching
· The most critical roll of film is fogged
· If you forgot, then you did not rewind the film
· Photo Assistants are essential, they give photographers someone to yell at
· The one item (batteries, film, and ect.) you need is always in short supply
· Interchangeable parts aren't
· Long life batteries only last for a couple of rolls
· Weather never cooperates
· Everything always works in your home, everything always fails on location
· For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
· The newest and least experienced photographer will usually win the Pulitzer
· Every instruction given to a lab, which can be misunderstood, will be
· There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work
· Never tell the Photo Editor you have nothing to do
· Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't
· No photojournalist is well dressed
· No well dressed photographer is a photojournalist
· Professional photographers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs
· The nature shots invariably happen on two occasions:
-when animals are ready.
-when you're not.
· Same rule just substitute children
· Client Intelligence is a contradiction
· There is no such thing as a perfect shoot
· The important things are always simple
· The simple things are always hard
· Flashes will fail as soon as you need them
· A clean (and dry) camera is a magnet for dust, mud and moisture
· Photo experience is something you never get until just after you need it
· The self-importance of a client is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness)
· The lens that falls is always the most expensive.
· when you drop a lens cap, the inside part always lands face down in the mud.
· Bugs always want to land on the mirror during a lens swap.
· Your batteries will always go dead or you will need to put in a new film canister at the least opportune moment.
· Your batteries will always go dead during a long exposure (so with the shutter open).
· When you shoot the night away and never have to stop. Your film did not roll on to the take up reel.

· Camera are designed with a built-in sensor, that senses the anticipation to develop the film.
When the level of anticipation is highest, this sensor causes the back to flip open exposing the film.

Murphy's nurses laws
· When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
· Realizing the patient you've just injected has a serious infection causes you to stab yourself with the used needle.
· A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad back."
· It's you're first night shift for three years. And it's a full moon.
· You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift from **** happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there.
· In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
· The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside.
· As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound.
· The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it.
· Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids.
· The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change.
· You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall.
· The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
· The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.
· You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
· The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
· When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
· If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
· When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...
· Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.
· As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
· Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from **** and just want to go home to bed.
· You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...
· Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
· Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
· As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!
· For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
· Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown.
· If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three.
· Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses' desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help ...
· Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital raises the parking rates (and other charges)
Murphy's bus laws
· If its raining, or cold or both the bus will be late
· If you're running late the bus will be too
· If you think you have lots of time before your bus you read the timetable wrong (or its out of date or both)
· If you're early the bus is late If you're late the bus was early
· The other people at the bus stop are waiting for the bus that has just pulled in
· If you have no change then the bus driver won't have any either
· The customer can be thrown off the bus at any time any explanation necessary
· Two bus for the same place will always pull in together
· The sign at the front of the bus is merely for decoration it is not the destination of the bus
· Waiting for a bus seems to be longer than the journey.

· If two or more bus routes go to one stop; at least one of each of the others will arrive before the one you want.

· The bus you plan to take always leaves five minutes before you reach the bus stop. The bus you do take is always ten minutes late.

· The hotter it is outside, bigger the chance there's no air conditioning.
· The first bus from your route will always appear first in the opposite direction.
· If you seem to catch the last bus of the day, it left two minutes earlier.
· The more times you ask the driver to tell you when to get off the bus, the chance he won't tell you is bigger.

· It seems like a long time you are waiting for the bus, so you pull out a cigarette and light it, then here comes the bus.

Or the short version
If you light a cigarette, the bus will come.
· If you will light the cigarette in order to hurry up the arrival of the bus, it will be late.

· Chat with a pretty girl, or light a cigarette, and the bus will arrive immediately.

· The bus schedule should be known as one of the most exquisitly creative and vividly imaginary forms of fiction ever devised by man.

· If you are early, the bus will be late.
Corollary: If you are late, the bus will be on time

· if you are late to the bus-station, the bus will be on time.

· If you must take a bus there's a strike.

· Irrespective time and route, the city buses are always crowded
Corollary: Buses traveelling in exactly opposite direction go empty.
· The last person on the bus always wants the last stop
· When your behind time you always get every learner driver in front of you and every light is red
Murphy's lotto laws
· You check the paper and find that you have all six numbers, but then you find the newspaper misprinted two of the numbers.
· The Jackpot gets to $40,000,000 and the numbers match all the numbers on your lotto slip, but you forgot to buy your ticket.
· The Jackpot gets to $40,000,000 and you finally win, then you find out 3,000 other people also won first place.
· You match 4 numbers, but you lost your ticket.
· You've been playing the same numbers in the Lotto since it beginning. Then they change the Lotto game saying it's what the people wanted
(You know it's just to make it harder to win so they can make more money).
· The only time you win, it's a pitifully small amount.
· Your spouse wins, then leaves you.
· You finally hit it big, then you find out all the friends you never had.
· You finally hit it big, then you die the same day.
· Whoever wins either is already rich or has won at least once before.

· Lotto is the answer, the only answer.

Murphy's Cowboy Action Shooting (CAS) Laws
· Most cowboys know of Murphy’s Law, what they may not know is that Murphy, in his wisdom, wrote his law's for CAS long before it came into existence.
· Back then CAS wasn’t yet a proven science or art form like it is today and things could actually go wrong with firearms, ammo, stage props, spurs, etc. and some cowboys, as hard as it is the believe, actually missed.
· It was for these reasons that Capt. Murphy wrote his famous law's for Cowboy Action Shooting. They are listed below in no particular order so-whatever.
· No matter how the plate is positioned, fragment will always reflect forward towards the stage.
· The most expensive and hard to find (38-40/32-20) cartridges will always land forward of the firing line.
· No matter which side the buckle is on; spurs can be put on backwards and upside down.
· If it’s dark outside boots will always go on the wrong feet.
· If it’s daylight outside boots will always go on the wrong feet.
· The whiter the hat the deeper the mud hole that it falls into.
· Feet will always swell on the night of the banquet when you have on your tight fitting, dress boots.
· If stopped by a cop for a broken tail light on the way to a meet the first thing he will always ask is; are there any weapons in the car?
· All cops who stop cowboys going to or from a meet never have a sense of western humor.
· Don’t ever try and joke around with a cop when you are transporting 8+ guns and 1000+ rounds of ammo to or from a Club called, Vigilante Colt Justice Shooting Club.
· Under the above mentioned laws always try substituting - Old Western Texas Poets Sonneteer Society for Vigilante Colt Justice Shooting Club.
· The first time you’re running real late is the first time the safety meeting will actually start on time.
· A secure, drop proof, gun holster really isn’t
· The time you locate that gun you’ve always wanted at a price far below market value for cash only right then is the time you will have forgotten to visit ATM before leaving home and the two pards behind you will be waving greenbacks at the seller.
· When it’s time to leave for the airport to your first EOT, and all your pards are waiting in the is car, that’s the time the safe will refuse to open and the only safe/lock smith within 50 miles is on vacation and your CAS friend, Yellow Dog Tick, will be fresh out of dynamite.
· Green, pink & yellow really do make a smart looking cowboy outfit for pards, pardettes & horses.
· Green, pink & yellow dress suit not a good choice for work, church, weddings, trial, funerals, job interviews, etc.
· If you say anything at all to a cowboy with blue hair, orange beard, wearing green, pink & yellow outfit it would be in your best interest to tell him he’s a right handsome looking buckaroo vaquero.
· If you call an armed cowboy a buckaroo, be absolutely sure that the B doesn’t sound like a V or F.
· A cowboy packing two Colts and carrying a double can wear any thing he dang well pleases.
· Osauma Ben Lauden has never seen the movie, “The Wild Bunch.”
· One flat bed trailer loaded with armed cowboys really can depose Castro on Friday, Sadam Hussain on Saturday with time left over for a banquet Saturday night on the Rivera.
· The game of “Cowboys and al Qaeda” has never been played.
· Ear plugs will be instantly remembered after the first report of a 26+ round stage shot inside a small building.
· A timer reading showing a negative number proves that cowboys really can go faster than the speed of light which makes Einstein a waddy.
· Stealth Bullets only work in stealth guns on a stealth stage being shot by a stealth cowboy or cowgirl.
· If the last shot for a clean match is a mandatory knock down, when hit, it will never go down.
· If you are winning the match with a stock Ruger and ahead by. 25sec., on the last shot the hammer will always slip.
Murphy's Cars laws
· Being dead right doesn't make you any less dead.
· The largest vehicle always has the right of way.
· You're only pulled over when you were just trying to make the light.
· When there are three other cars on the road, the drivers are drunk and there's not a cop in sight.
· Hotrods are never seen, but often heard.
· You finally save up enough to fix your car and you get fired.
· The car only breaks down at the least convenient time. When you car breaks down and it is a small repair, the mechanic has to remove the engine to get to that part.
· No matter how well kept the car, an oil leak will develop.
· When you take your car to a mechanic because it makes a funny sound you will not be able to demonstrate it for the mechanic nor will you be able to describe.
· Washing your car constitutes a rain dance to the raining gods.

Thank you!
· There's always parking space when driving a 4X4.

· If your working under the hood of a car and drop something, it will always roll the middle of the car and just out of reach.

· The temperature of vinyl seat covers is inversely proportional to the length of your skirt or shorts.

· The cleaner the windscreen, the stronger the magnetism to insects.
Corollary:
Within one minute after you exit the carwash, a huge insect will splotch on your windscreen.

· When you waive the extra insurance, your rental car will be vandalized.
· After your rental car has been vandalized, the replacement will be broken into - probably on the same day.
· The car dealer always works-up a great payment plan for the car they know you need but can't afford.
· Your Car Keys are always in the pocket of the hand that is fullest.

· Your kid will fell asleep in the car 5 minutes before you arrive to your destination.
· A flat will occur during the heaviest downpour after dark
· The later you are running, the greater the chance of hitting every red light in your path.
· The later you are running, the slower the people in front of you, and on any accessible side are going to drive.
· The less you want to be somewhere, the more likely every light will be green and traffic clear.

· If you're stuck in a traffic jam and you move to the fast lane it will become the slowest lane, if you'll move back, that lane will stand still.

· A flat will occur when you are without a spare.
This will happen after your significant other has reminded you to get one.
She\He will be in the car.
· A flat won't occur while you have spare wheel.

Murphy's toddlers laws
· When you need to carry a child they will want to walk.
· When you want them to walk they will want to be carried.
· When you bring the stroller they will want to walk.
· When you forget the stroller they will want to ride.
· The more potential a food has for stains the greater the coverage area when it is hurled by a child.
Corollary: The more potential a food has for stains the more expensive the item of clothing/fabric/furniture it strikes.

· A child's favorite one day is never a favorite the next day (especially food).
· The intensity of the tantrum is directly proportional to the amount of people around to witness.
· If it's mine it's mine,
if it's yours it's mine,
if I like it is mine,
if I can take it from you it is mine,
if I am playing with something ALL of the pieces are mine,
if I think it is mine it is,
if I saw it first it's mine,
if I had it then put it down it is still mine,
if you had it then you put it down it is now mine,
if it looks like the one I have at home it is mine,
if it is broken it is yours.
· If I make a mess you must clean it up
· If I broke it, its your fault

· The louder you speak and the more you repeat something is inversely proportional to the amount of information taken in.
· Soccer, Dance, Basketball, Softball, Piano, Girl(Boy)Scouts (etc.) is always on the same day with less then 5 minutes between.
· The more preparation time for the meal the less likely a child is to eat it.
· As soon as the snow suit, and all of the paraphernalia that accompanies, is on the child will have to use the bathroom.
· As soon as the child is in the car and the car has left the driveway the child will have to use the bathroom.
· The clothes/shoes you bought last week will not fit this week or will not be "cool" enough for this week.
· The amount of sound from the other room is inversely proportional to the amount of trouble the child is getting into.
· The more you paid for the car seat the more the child will hate it.
· When you are in a hurry the child will dawdle.
· The greater the importance of the phone call the bigger the mess the child will make or the louder the tantrum the child will have.

· The availability of daycare is directly proportionate to how badly you need it.
· Your child will always wait until you are fully dressed for work before spilling their food on you.

· The later you let a child stay up at night, the earlier he will wake up in the morning.

· If I hid it well enough it will always be mine

Murphy's EMT laws
· Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is bad.
· Try not to discuss "your day" at the family dinner table.
· You may not install a "car catcher" on the front of the ambulance.
· The more equipment you see on a EMT's belt, the newer they are.
· Examine all chest clutchers first, bleeders next, then the rest of the whiners.
· When dealing with citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was wrong.
· All bleeding stops... eventually.
· You can't cure stupid.
· If it's wet and sticky and not yours -- LEAVE IT ALONE !!!
· "Riding shotgun" does not mean you shoot the tires of non-yielding vehicles.
· If at all possible, avoid any edible item that fire fighters prepare.
· EMS is extended periods of boredom, interrupted by moments of sheer terror.
· Every emergency has three phases: PANIC... FEAR... REMORSE.
· A good tape job will fix almost anything.
· Yuppies involved in accidents complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
· It's not a compliment when Policemen say you're crude, crass & cynical.
· The severity of the injury is directly proportional to the weight of the patient.
· Turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens.
· Schedule your days off to avoid working during full phases of the Moon.
· There is no such thing as a "textbook case".
· You've come to conclude 90% of all drunks are a waste of protoplasm.
· Never refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".
· Automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have had.
· Your social skills will be lacking, if all your anecdotes deal with blood.
· Assume every female between 6 and 106 is pregnant until proven otherwise.
· Get very, very scared when a child is too quiet.
· Don't place bets on the glucose level of an unresponsive patient.
· You cannot institute a surcharge for unruly or surly patients.
· It is not necessary to have a pet name for your cardiac monitor.
· As long as stupidity remains epidemic in the US, you have job security.
· Don't worry about the gunshot wound as much as dealing with the family.
· All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.
Corollary 1:
Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.
Corollary 2:
Always order food "to go".
· The Paramedical Laws of Time:
There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift. Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will come in at 07:59. (Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!)
· The Paramedical Law of Gravity:
Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.
· The Paramedical Law of Time And Distance:
· The distance of the call from the Hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.
Corollary 1:
The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.
· The Paramedical Rule of Random Synchronicity:
Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.
· The Rule of Respiratory Arrest: All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of ****.
· The Basic Principle For Dispatchers:
Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
· The Basic Principle For Field Personnell:
Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
· The Axiom of Late-Night Runs:
If you respond to any Motor Vehicle Accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking:
somebody is still missing.
· The Law of Options:
Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the Ambulance before you are.
Corollary 1:
Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the Hospital has probably been in my rig in the past.

(continued, too long LOL)
Murphy's graphic design laws
· Your fonts will default.
· If you have two versions of a photo, you will send the wrong one to the printer.
· Promises made by the salesperson never make it to the pressroom.
· The salesperson will promise anything.
· If the text consists of two words, one will be misspelled.
· Speed. Quality. Affordability. Pick two.
· If the run is wrong, it's never the press operator's fault.
· Spell checkers don't.
· Grammar checkers don't, either.
· Global search-and-replaces aren't.
· The index entry you leave out will be the first one the client looks under.
· Optical Character Recognition is good comedy.
· If three designs are shown to a client, your least favorite will be chosen.
· If two designs are shown, a third will be requested. If provided, then one of the first two will be chosen.
· Blueline proofs reveal previously invisible errors.
· The best designs never survive contact with the client.
· You will misspell the name of the client's spouse.
· Your best idea is already copyrighted.
· Creative inspiration flows in inverse proportion to the distance from the studio.
· Doctors, astronauts, and plumbers need training to do their jobs, but anyone with a copy of Publisher is a graphic designer
· No matter how detailed the tech support FAQ is, nobody has ever heard of your problem
· The number of colors in a client's design will equal the number of colors in the original bid specs, plus two
· The client's disk won't run on your equipment
· If you purchase new equipment to read your client's disk, it will be the last disk of that type you will ever receive
· Your client won't "get it."

· A single picture tells more than a thousand words. Any technical picture has more than thousand bugs
Murphy's mothers laws
· Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't..
· A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
· Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
· Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it.
· Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.
· The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
· The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
· If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't.
· The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
· If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them.
· Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing.
· Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
· If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
· You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try.
· Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
· The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
· The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.
· All mother's have a "How To" manual. That's because they wrote the book.
· Mother's way is best. If you don't believe it, ask her.
· Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn't.
· One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club.
· If you don't have time to study the drivers' manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course.
· When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on.
· The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will "save" it before she uses it.
· No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.
· No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food.
· If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions.
· The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain.
· Accomplishments are made possible by your mother - failures are your own fault.
· Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That's something else you will never be able to repay her for.
· Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you've already done it.
· The longer it's been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit.
· No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are.
· The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you.
· If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself.
· You never are as good as other people's children. You are never as bad as mom imagines.
· The only thing more accurate than a mother's advice is her memory of the times you didn't take it.
Murphy's miscellaneous laws
· Rental laws
· Movies that are not available on video are the ones you want to see.
· A library book will always be checked out when you want to get it.
· Any movie at your local video store will always be rented out when you want to rent it yourself.
Rental laws were
· Political laws
· No matter who gets elected, Government always gets in

· Politics and religion don't mix well

· What is neo-capitalism (the neo-capitalism of the ex-socialist countries)?
Blind alley, leading out of a dead-end street.
· What is socialism?
Victory of ideology over clear mind.

· It's when you are finally on top when everyone finds out all the bad things that you did as a teen, thus ruining your position.
· Every revolution has its wastage - sounds the wisdom of politicians.
The loss of the wealth of the nation and absolute poverty of 35% of the population isn't too much?
(This was the result of the silent revolution of the last decade in Hungary.)

· We could do worse, we always have.

· Printing Laws
· Your print job is always behind the Largest Print job in the Queue.
· If its about to print, The printer will get jammed.
· When they fix the paper jam, it will be out of Paper.
· When you get the paper, it will be out of toner.

· Golf laws
· Whenever you think your drive will go right it wouldn't
· Whenever you think your aim is right is not
· Whenever you think you might finish a 9 holes play with one ball it wouldn't
· whenever you think you have a clear drive over water it will ditch
· whenever you think you might par you boogie
· whenever you think you hit the green you wouldn't

· The more people looking at you driving on the driving range, the more slicing your driving will get.

· Rain on a golf course is Gods way of telling you that you're playing too slow.
· Only good golf shots are ever spoiled by the most unlikely of events.

· Employees laws
· When your workmates absolutely guarantee they'll take care of your duties while you're on vacation, they won't.
Corollary: the week you're gone, will be the "week from ****" you now have to catch up on.

· The more work you are promised, the harder it is to find.
· Some one always gets the good jobs first.
· Your unemployment check always comes after you find work.

· The ideal job for you was filled right before you found out about it.

geeeeeeeeez, the only Murphy's law I knew was 'Whatever can go wrong will'...

geeeeeeeeez, the only Murphy's law I knew was 'Whatever can go wrong will'...
Then you clearly have not experienced Murphy's Laws firsthand :P

The origin of Murphy's Laws (thanks to www.murphys-laws.com)

Murphy's laws origin

Dr. Stapp on the Deceleration Track The following article was excerpted from The Desert Wings
March 3, 1978

Murphy's Law ("If anything can go wrong, it will") was born at Edwards Air Force Base in 1949 at North Base.

It was named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on Air Force Project MX981, (a project) designed to see how much sudden deceleration a person can stand in a crash.

One day, after finding that a transducer was wired wrong, he cursed the technician responsible and said, "If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it."

The contractor's project manager kept a list of "laws" and added this one, which he called Murphy's Law.

Actually, what he did was take an old law that had been around for years in a more basic form and give it a name.

Shortly afterwards, the Air Force doctor (Dr. John Paul Stapp) who rode a sled on the deceleration track to a stop, pulling 40 Gs, gave a press conference. He said that their good safety record on the project was due to a firm belief in Murphy's Law and in the necessity to try and circumvent it.

Aerospace manufacturers picked it up and used it widely in their ads during the next few months, and soon it was being quoted in many news and magazine articles. Murphy's Law was born.

The Northrop project manager, George E. Nichols, had a few laws of his own. Nichols' Fourth Law says, "Avoid any action with an unacceptable outcome."

The doctor, well-known Col. John P. Stapp, had a paradox: Stapp's Ironical Paradox, which says, "The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle."

Nichols is still around. At NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, he's the quality control manager for the Viking project to send an unmanned spacecraft to Mars.

All of these by my fave writer of all time Oscar Wilde:

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

"Biography lends to death a new terror."

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." (my personal fave!)

"One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation."

"The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived."

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."

"Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes."

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself." (another personal favorite!)

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

-Abraham Lincoln

Gosh...I love Oscar Wilde. Here are a couple of my favorites...


"Beauty, real beauty, ends where intellectual expression begins."
"There is no sin except stupidity."
"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
" I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy." And another lovely quote by Claude Debussy...
"People don't very much like things that are beautiful -- they are so far from their nasty little minds."

*sigh* The state of American education troubles me so much...@_@

"You have bewitched me heart and soul"

Sorry, just saw Pride and Prejudice!

"The brave may not live long, but the cowardly don't live at all."

that's my fave right there :)

"Intelligence. Nothing has caused the human race more problems more than intelligence."
-Alfred Hitch****'s Rear Window

Imagination is more important than knowledge... Author:Einstein

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest Author:Ben Franklin
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Author:Mark Twain
Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses Author:Confucius

"They say the most successful people are the ones who have failed more than they have succeeded."-Ioan Gruffudd

"Obsessed" is the lazy man's word for "committed."
~Me :D

"Sometimes, the hand of fate must be forced!"

-Illidan Stormrage, Warcraft III

"People do a lot of things in private they couldn't possibly explain in public."

-Lt. Doyle, Rear Window

"Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent"

-Murphy's Mother Laws

People find life entirely too time-consuming.
- Stanislaw J. Lec
Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there.
- Mickey Friedman
Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.
- Peter da Silva

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
- William Hazlitt


in reality, I just wanted to bump this :P

"Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through christ who strengthens me"

In a mad world only the mad are sane.
Akira Kurosawa (1910 - 1998)

Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Three Doctors, 1993

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900)

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900), "On Reading and Writing"

Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?
George Price

Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid.
Heinrich Heine (1797 - 1856)

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
Henrik Tikkanen

When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.
Hermann Hesse (1877 - 1962)

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson (1939 - 2005)

Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
Janet Long

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
John Russell

A neurosis is a secret that you don't know you are keeping.
Kenneth Tynan

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
Krishnamurti

I don't really trust a sane person.
Lyle Alzado (1949 - 1992)

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972)

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
Robin Williams (1951 - )

There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
Salvador Dali (1904 - 1989)

There is no great genius without some touch of madness.
Seneca (5 BC - 65 AD), Epistles

Joel: Ed, are you hallucinating?
Ed: Oh, yeah, but not right now.
Sy Rosen and Christian Williams, Northern Exposure, On Your Own, 1992

Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who not only thinks he is Napoleon but hires an army to prove it.
Ted Morgan

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
William Dement

Oh, that way madness lies; let me shun that.
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), "King Lear", Act 3 scene 4

Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't.
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), "Hamlet", Act 2 scene 2

Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.
David T. Wolf (1943 - )

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.
Jean Rostand (1894 - 1977), Journal of a Character, 1931

Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.
Lillian Hellman (1905 - 1984), The Little Foxes, 1939

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
Lily Tomlin (1939 - )

Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves.
Robert Anton Wilson

A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.
Sidney J. Harris

The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
Alan Perlis

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Andy Rooney (1919 - )

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Bill Gates (1955 - ), Business @ The Speed of Thought

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Bradley's Bromide

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
Doug Larson

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
E. W. Dijkstra

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Edward Shepherd Mead

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Farmers' Almanac, 1978

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
James Magary

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Jef Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal

The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little.
Joe Martin, Porterfield

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
John C. Dvorak

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home.
Ken Olsen (1926 - ), President, Digital Equipment, 1977

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause
accidents.
Nathaniel Borenstein (1957 - )

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso (1881 - 1973)

The computer is a moron.
Peter Drucker (1909 - 2005)

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Pierre Gallois

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Rich Cook

To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Robert Orben

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld magazine

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
Stephen Hawking (1942 - )

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
Unknown

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it.
Unknown

Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1.5 tons.
unknown, Popular Mechanics, March 1949

(sorry if some quotes were repeated, too many geniuses out there, too little time :P)

ehh...

"They say a person only needs three things to be truly happy; something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for" or something like that xD

and i forgot who said that :P

oh and of course HP quotin' time xD

"It's the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."--Dumbledore :(

"you can close your eyes to reality but not to memories"
"fear not for i am with you"
"a person is a person no matter how small"