Yo... I'm writing a book called Kale and I needed people's opinion on if it's good or not. It is dedicated and based on a roleplay I did with a friend of mine once and I thought it would be a good book so uh... here's the first chapter

Long ago in the small village of Carashut, there lived a family of elven folk. The family of Forestians were kind and gentle elven folk, poor to be honest they were still kind to those richer and more blessed then they. The kind couple had two children, Dayven and Kalidra, the two most prized possessions of Claudia and Carr. Dayven helped his father around the farm and Kalidra helped her mother with housework. "Dayven, Son I need your help out here," Carr shouted to his son, who happened to just be walking out of the house. Dayven rushed to his father who was harvesting the squash. "Are you in need of help with the harvest father?" Dayven smiled and bent over to pick the plant. "Its half-withered, but we can still use it for dinner," The boy sighed and continued to help with the plants.

As the family ate what they could dig out of some leftover scraps, the town alarm bell rang shortly after Dayven heard a loud screeching roar. "Akbar," Dayven grumbled under his voice, his elven ears pricked with anger and his chest beat with revenge. Without telling his parent's a farewell, Dayven rushed past them, quickly grabbed his sword and ran out to the mighty red dragon that flew above Carashut. Dayven grabbed a bow and arrow and aimed for the dragon’s neck. With a perfect shot, small showers of blood fell upon the ground as the great dragon screeched in pain. The elf knew he was in sure trouble now; he had angered one of the most powerful creatures known to all of Taraizeka. With the Queen Jasminn gone away for the year, along with her first daughter Princess Tara, all of Taraizeka seemed doomed. No message would be sent to her Highness unless they could get a ship and sail to far off Isanti. The Queen had left to settle an argument between her country and Isanti. Akbar swooped down towards Dayven and scooped him into his powerfully sharp claws. Dayven struggled and groaned with pain as the claws seemed to dig deeper into his skin. A man shouted from the ground. "He's taking one of our men, its Carr's son!" The men shouted. "Fire at will!" Great flaming arrows were shot into the dragon's hide. The painful screech rang through the elven boy's ears. The dragon dug deeper into him and Dayven screamed in great pain, soon the beast let loose of the boy, allowing him to fall great heights. He screamed in bloody murder, hoping the last moments of his life they would at least go fast. Soon, the lights went out for him.

Dayven woke up to find himself in a dark, cold, forest. Once he realized the environment he jumped up immediately and examined the surroundings. "W-Where am I? What am I doing in a forest? Which way is home? Where is Carashut!?" He began to panic even more than he had before when a pair of red eyes sparkled from a nearby Saturn Tree. The roots of the tree resembled the rings of Saturn, and thus how it was named. The black creature's eerie voice sent a chill up Dayven's spine, yet the voice was soothing in a way. "What brings you to my forest, child of the elven race?" The creature seeped through the trees and the once black figure resembled a black leopard with sparkling red eyes. Dayven found the creature both frightening and beautiful, though he wasn't too sure if he could trust her. "My name is Kale; I was trusted to be the Guardian of this forest that lies before you." He looked at the young leopard and asked with an unsure feeling. "Your Princess Kale, aren't you, Daughter of Jasminn?" He was feeling awkward and thus started to feel stupid until she answered reassuringly. "Yes, in fact I am Princess Kale, daughter of Jasminn; I hear that Taraizeka is in war with Rainwaq?" Dayven quickly interrupted. "Why aren't you at the castle Kale? Your mother has been worried sick to know where you are and I'm sure she doesn't have a clue that you’re in this forest." The elf thought that he had just acted as his mother would if Kalidra would have lied to mom about staying out late on a Saturday. "My mother is none of your concern elven boy, now do tell, what is your name? You figured out mine, now I must know yours," She grinned at Dayven, acting as if she had just made him upset, though she didn't really. "My name is Dayven Forestian, I am the son of Claudia and Carr Forestian and brother to Kalidra," Kale nodded as the elf's face expression was obviously proud that he had just named his family to someone of great importance as her. "Dayven, a clever name I suppose, at least you weren't named after a type of plant," Kale smiled and laughed a bit. "Weren't you named after a Rainian Empress?" The elf questioned the cat. "Yes, indeed I was but there is such a plant known as Kale and thus I named it off," The cat transformed into a young woman of charm and beauty. Her brunette hair and tender bronze eyes seemed to catch Dayven's thoughts. "Wow, she is even more beautiful than her mother... Oh Dayven Forestian do not let your thoughts from getting far! She's probably too young or old, how old is Kale?" Dayven's face expressions went from awe to surprise; he looked at Kale and asked of her age. "Kale, how old are you?" Kale picked a flower, the golden sparkles on her dress twirled as she turned to Dayven. "14, and yourself?" Dayven looked straight into the eyes of the woman and began speaking. "I am 15, just a year away from manhood," Kale smiled, her cat ear flickered for a moment. "15, a year away from manhood, seems like a perfect age. Tell me, Dayven, where are you from? All I remember is seeing a young elf falling from the clutches of Akbar and into my forest," Kale looked down for a moment, examining the grass. "I am from the small village of Carashut, My family and I struggle to survive," Dayven became quiet and pinned back his elven ears. Kale felt sympathy for him and slowly walked up to him, placing her hand on his shoulder. "Every time pain comes along, he is soon fought back and is forced to leave," She tried comforting the boy with her words, but failed in the task. Dayven's eyes swelled up with tears, acting as if He failed his family by not making enough money, or finding enough food. "Come now dear one, you have not failed. I shall help you restore your family name and keep your kin well supplied with the nourishment they need from my forest creatures, besides, once winter comes along you'll be able to go and catch deer that have frozen from the cold airs of the east," Kale smile at Dayven who was beginning to cheer up a bit. "I guess your right Kale, besides, a man does not cry. A man is strong for his people even in the hardest of times," Dayven's face had the word courage written all over it as he stared off into the distance, Kale had relieved herself as Dayven brought back his courage.


Later that evening Dayven caught him and Kale some fish and he cooked it just as mother had taught him. "It isn't the best, but it is sure better than raw trout I give you that credit," He smiled and she chuckled, then swallowing another bite of meat she had found on her plate. Dayven sat on a bed of grass that he actually found to be quite comfortable, somewhat more comfortable than that bed back at home. Kale turned leopard once more and sank herself gently into a soft pile of down and leaves. "You know Kale, I'm glad I met you, you’re a very kind person," Dayven turned his head over to Kale who was fast asleep. "Good night Kale," Dayven smiled then sat over and fell into a deep sleep.





Tell me if it's good or not. @_@

.... Is it good? >_<

It was one of my first stories and I AM publishing it, but.. i need peeps opinion

.... Is it good? >_<

It was one of my first stories and I AM publishing it, but.. i need peeps opinion

Oh, I liked the story!

It has a good solid concept and good characters, but please take your time and give us more details about everything. Give us the details about where the town is and the home where they live. Tell us about the relationship between the family and the surrounding village in more detail. How does our main character know about the dragon as soon as he hears the noise? How does he survive the fall? And it woudld help if you introduce the character of Kale with a whole lot more detail if you intend her to be in any way a main character of the story.

The plot elements you covered should have taken at least ten pages typed in a book - not a few large paragraphs.

You have something good here, but expand it and you could have something great.

Tepcat

Hope that helps

hope to read it soon :)

It has a good solid concept and good characters, but please take your time and give us more details about everything. Give us the details about where the town is and the home where they live. Tell us about the relationship between the family and the surrounding village in more detail. How does our main character know about the dragon as soon as he hears the noise? How does he survive the fall? And it woudld help if you introduce the character of Kale with a whole lot more detail if you intend her to be in any way a main character of the story.

The plot elements you covered should have taken at least ten pages typed in a book - not a few large paragraphs.

You have something good here, but expand it and you could have something great.

Tepcat

Hope that helps


That helps alot, I understand I should be better with alot of that and will take your advice!
Thanks a Million!

OK, it isn't all of it, but it's my new and improved version of Kale, TEPCAT, whaddya think?

Carashut was a fine merchant town sitting peacefully along the eastern border of Taraizeka, just a few miles away from the small group of islands known as the Tuskaneegee Isles; this place was famous for its catch of fish and the huge market sale it opens on the 5th day of the 2nd month, Traada. This town wasn’t the prettiest, but it was the town in between two of the most important cities in all of Taraizeka, Saibara and Darkpoint. Carashut wasn’t populated with too many people but they had a fair size in folk. It was like walking into a cramped merchant town with nothing too wonderful to look at; merchants would come into the town and sell the things they were for certain they wouldn’t sell in the great cities such as Saibara. This mainly meant that they rarely sold precious and valuable items in Carashut unless they knew someone of great importance would be visiting. Nobody ever stayed very long in Carashut as it wasn’t a marvelous or grand place, neither was it a very clean town. Most of the townsfolk were either very poor or on the verge or becoming poor. Things had always gone smoothly in Carashut, nothing interesting ever happened, everyday was the same routine. The small village consisted of few families as they wanted not children to grow up in such a nasty place. The people had never stood up to change their town as there was no safe and secure way to do so. In the Gondolian Reach, five miles away from Carashut, there was a chain of caverns and caves, in the caverns lay a thick-walled cave known as Sarren Cavaire`. In this cavern, lived the past, present, and future problems of Carashut. He was 75 feet tall, his scales of red shone like coins, his black wings appeared like hard leather, and he had two blood red eyes that brought fear to any possible creature. His tail was long and about 10 feet in length and scaled with a mixture of black and red scales, his bloodstained razor sharp teeth gave him yet another frightening look. His claws were the color of coal; they were sharp and curved, giving the beast a look that gave a definite form of injury to whatever victim this powerful creature caught in its massive jaws or skin piercing claws. This range used to be a beautiful place to catch high mountain game and then lower height fish caught in the shallow river, Usandai.

Is it better with description?

All I can say is WOW, this is a great improvement. Now I feel like I can see where we are. Keep it up;-)

Tepcat

Thanks Tepcat! ^_^

Kay, I kinda did a redo of it, so it is a bit better and so on. :D hope ya luv it!

Carashut was a fine merchant town sitting peacefully along the eastern border of Taraizeka, just a few miles away from the small group of islands known as Tuskaneegee Isles; this place was famous for its catch of fish and the huge market sale it opens on the 5th day of the 2nd month, Traada. This town wasn’t the prettiest, but it was the town in between two of the most important cities in all of Taraizeka, Saibara and Darkpoint. Carashut wasn’t populated with too many people but they had a fair size in folk. It was like walking into a cramped merchant town with nothing too wonderful to look at; merchants would come into the town and sell the things they were for certain they wouldn’t sell in the great cities such as Saibara. This mainly meant that they rarely sold precious and valuable items in Carashut unless they knew someone of great importance would be visiting. Nobody ever stayed very long in Carashut as it wasn’t a marvelous or grand place, neither was it a very clean town. Most of the townsfolk were either very poor or on the verge or becoming poor. Things had always gone smoothly in Carashut, nothing interesting ever happened, everyday was the same routine. The small village consisted of few families as they wanted not children to grow up in such a nasty place. The people had never stood up to change their town as there was no safe and secure way to do so. In the Gondolian Reach, five miles away from Carashut, there was a chain of caves, in the caverns lay a thick-walled cave known as Sarren Cavaire`. In this cavern, lived the past, present, and future problems of Carashut. He was 75 feet tall, his scales of red shone like coins, his black wings appeared like hard leather, and he had two blood red eyes that brought fear to any possible creature. His tail was long and about 10 feet in length and scaled with a mixture of black and red scales, his bloodstained razor sharp teeth gave him yet another frightening look. His claws were the color of coal; they were sharp and curved, giving the beast a look that gave a definite form of injury to whatever victim this powerful creature caught in its massive jaws or skin piercing claws. This range used to be a beautiful place to catch high mountain game and then lower height fish caught in the shallow river, Usandai. That was, until this mighty dragon beast came, his name, is Egeslic and he is feared by everyone in the eastern areas of Taraizeka. Many men had tried to take on this beast and even some warrior woman had tried to take Egeslic on, but failed in the end, being left with scars and bruises or even, dead. He was merciless and considered himself the greatest in all Taraizeka, he even considered himself higher than Queen Jasminn herself! Now, there lived a particular family, the Forestian family, who could not come to understand why such a terrible beast would think himself higher than a king or queen. In the family of four consisted of, Carr, the father, Claudia, the mother, Dayven, the older brother, and Kalidra, the little sister. Carr was a rough elven man, two big green eyes and laid-back red hair. He had big strong hands and yet he could be gentle, he was about 45 years of age and yet was still up at 6:00am working in the fields until midnight. Tan smooth skin, always wearing a loose buttoned up plaid shirt and a worn out pair of slacks. Claudia, was a beautiful slim elven woman who had long light-blonde hair and two sea blue eyes, she always wore either a linen turquoise colored dress or her navy blue dress with ruffles of light blue to cover the sleeves and skirt of her dress. On some occasions she’d wear a white or black shirt with a silky pearl white skirt. She had gentle hands and very soft white skin, Claudia would usually paint her nails any sort of blue shaded color and most of the time wore red or clear lipstick to add a touch of beauty, she would always put a tropical flower in her hair to give herself a graceful look, along with her smile, everyone thought Carr was the luckiest man in Carashut to have such a wife, especially since she was 40! Kalidra was just as beautiful as her mother and was complimented by the boys at the local school and was always on dates with her boyfriend, Karter. Everyone at school envied Karter as they exaggerated that he was the luckiest man in the world. Kalidra had beautiful slick elven characteristics as her mother and father; she had bluish-gray colored eyes and long auburn shaded hair and usually wore copper or darker colors and was complimented on her wonderful sewing abilities for a 14 year old. Dayven was different from his cheery family; he always wondered about his later years when he’d be 16, grown up and would have a family of his own, he was 15 and was looking very forward to his next life in manhood, he wanted to be the best father ever and always wondered who he’d exactly end up with. He kind of liked that Arista girl, she had nice black hair and brown eyes, but, she wasn’t that nice and was very temperamental. Then there was Krissa and Tessa, they were both very attractive twins but they weren’t good at anything except for making clothes, they’d make better maids than wives. Dayven had messy black hair; silver colored eyes and tan skin, usually wore a grey or black shirt and was never seen without his dragon charm necklace. He seemed to be depressed about something, nobody could say exactly what but they came up with theories. Perhaps it was because of Egeslic and he maybe held a fear of him but didn’t want to be seen as a fearful boy as he would be a man soon. Others, such as the town bully, Scotty, thought he was just a wimp. A very mysterious child, Dayven was and he always seemed to be out in the field practicing his sword fighting skills or practicing archery with his bow and arrow. “Dayven, son, are you there?” Carr walked into the clearing to come across Dayven swishing his silver sword. “Ugh!” Dayven slashed his sword into a tree and fell to his knees breathing slowly, his heart racing with stress and pain from the work. “Dayven, my boy you shouldn’t be working this hard! Even your mother and I don’t waste that much energy in such a short period of time, boy what is wrong with you?” Carr helped Dayven up and noticed some sweat and blood rolling down his neck. “Dayven, there is blood on your neck, what happened?” No answer. “Don’t go bad on me boy, do tell what happened will you?” Dayven took a deep breath, wiped his face of sweat and turned to look at his father. “It must have been the bark or something on that tree, and I’m not going terrible or whatever on you, I was getting a good breath of air before I answered you,” Dayven sighed angrily and walked over to his white stallion, Gallop. “Dayven Forestian, please, you are always this way and I, your mother, and your sister are tired of it. Tell me what is wrong,” Carr grabbed hold of the mare’s stirrup and stopped Dayven and Gallop to move on. “Father, let go of the stirrup and let me go home…” Dayven looked straight ahead and never made a single emotion. “I deny you to leave until I know what is causing you to act this way Dayven!” Dayven sharply responded in an angry voice. “I just want to be a good father for when I’m older and I am sick of everyone thinking I am some weakling so I am practicing ok!” He forced the stallion to kick and ride off, but Dayven didn’t head home, instead he turned Gallop to the mountainous areas. Carr sighed deeply, walking home more troubled than ever. He knew Dayven wouldn’t go that far, but it all depended on his anger, that determined how far he’d go.

P.S. TO ALL: Do not steal my ideas or anything to do with my book. :>